chelsea elle

update i suppose

2008-07-30T19:07:29Z

it's been nice not working. my home life is kind of crazy though. it seems like all of the cars in our family are breaking down, and I can't help but parallel the situation to the emotional fissures in my family's foundation. It's nothing really too bad, but it's like the dynamic of our family WILL change when I leave for school you know? It's natural, but everyone is kind of on edge with each other. No one really knows what to expect. Me, my brother, and my sister have been in this groove, this pattern of seemingly ubiquitous situation- switching houses every other week, packing a small duffel, driving around in our little suburb, our little bubble. Both of our divorced parents work, and they live within two miles of each other (they're great for sacrificing for us, they're great) but me, my brother, and my sister are on our own for the majority of the time. Our parents cushion us and I am very lucky there is so much financial stability (I think there is at least? I'm very naive to the real world, but at least I'm aware that I don't really live in the real world. Every other car is a luxury brand and every lawn is perfectly manicured- not by the owner of the house of course). I'm just so afraid of what will come when the bubble pops, and I'm on my own.
As far as independence, I think I'll be ok. I mean I switch houses I don't get home sick very easily. I've always been so ornery and stubborn though, so who knows. Maybe I'll crumble, but I'll probably be fine in the emotional sense.
I'm just afraid of what this means for me. I've got to start figuring things out on my own, and that's what scares me the most. I don't want to end up in a corporate job being miserable and I just don't know if four years is enough time. I'm freaking out, definitely.
But I have a lot of time to think about these things, I just don't like being stagnant and over-analytical about it. I wish I wasn't such a perpetual thinker, but I am. My mind never really rests.

Oh well, I should be doing my summer reading. What a joke! I should be doing a million other things but I'm going to decorate my little plastic drawers cutesy for college. I don't really care, I just want to get on with it.
:)

My eating has been ok I guess. Since my last day of work, I've been trying to eat normally- no restricting, no binging/purging- but it's been hard. I haven't purged which I'm proud of. I never want to do it again. But I have been over eating sort of. It's hard re-learning my body and what it needs. I've always been sort of fucked up when it came to that. Plus I just found out that my birth control has a sedative in it, so that's why I don't feel hungry as much. I just get tired and low energy, so I over compensate when I eat to try and make that feeling go away. I shouldn't be on birth control, I knew something was causing me to start to unwravel a little bit. I was doing SO well after I came back from the beach with my friends. They're such great people, all of them are so normal with food. Like friendly and amiable, they listen to their bodies and they don't freak out about sweets or anything that they eat.
I don't know how I'm going to deal with this in college, and I know I'm not going to wake up and be normal. But I want to be healthy and I don't want to diet. I'm starting, operative word starting, to realize that I need to appreciate and accept my body's flaws. & I've come along way from where I started.

I'm proud of myself for that & I'm going to be ok

realization

2008-07-18T02:04:55Z

I don't know.
I wish I had a great, healthy relationship with food. I had an eating disorder years ago, but I wonder if I ever really truly recovered. In retrospect I didn't.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I won't ever be the same. I've changed as a person because of it, but that's ok; that's life.
I know I have some issues with food and my body but overall I recognize that was an awful way to live. I don't want to go back to that. at all.
I miss soccer practice. I never worried about eating or being bored. I looked forward to practices; I met my best friends there. It's so different than just running outside or running on a treadmill. I don't think I'll be able to get back to that state of mind.

I will just take it day by day. I didn't put it all of this in perspective until recently. I'm tired of worrying about it. It's good that I want to fully heal, better late than never I suppose

back

2008-07-11T20:07:03Z

My hair is so short. holy eff

I'm not a recluse anymore. I'm getting back to my normal self which is great & necessary.

It's funny how a haircut can do that for you. Just completely throw you off. I didn't recognize myself for a little bit, reality kind of sunk in.

I bought myself an itunes gift card to celebrate &

It felt good to donate it :)

for reference :)

2008-07-11T01:55:04Z

cheese powder from box macaroni and cheese & kraft is my favorite :)
fresh flowers especially wild flowers & I love sunflowers, black eyed susans, lilies, daisies. I don't love roses. I don't really know why
I love orchards. the precise organization of the trees just gets me; the clean rows are beautiful & juxtaposed with the wonderful mess of nature, it's kind of perfection
(real) pizza.
a cold coca cola in summertime, i love refills
sifted flour, it's so soft as a kid I use to just stick my hands in it for hours (hahah weird i know)
really laughing & smiling until my cheeks hurt
i love connecting with people and that sounds cheesy. but especially through music.
natural waterfalls
saturday night live, staying up late
peanut butter & honey sandwiches
the sun. noooot tanning beds. you cant recreate sunlight, its not natural
cheesy songs that I hate to love (I know all the words..)
SHARK WEEK ON DISCOVERY CHANNEL
</ljcut>

left to my own devices

2008-07-11T01:36:28Z

Still out of it.

but I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow (8 inches!!!) so it's going to be ridiculously short. well shoulder length (short for me), but I'm excited to donate it to pantene's beautiful locks.

It'll be good for me to get out of my mopey, self loathing state of mind and put things in perspective.

My sister's mad at me too. Gee zus I've been such a recluse lateley. Why do I ignore my friend's calls? It's like I'm stuck between self conscious paranoia and extreme apathy. i dont really know what to do

i wish i could clear my mind a little bit. it's constantly running, recalling bad memories.
im sick of being left to my own devices.

which would be a great title for a song or something like of literary merit. Left could have a double meaning; as in freudian psychology left is the "id" I believe. you know what im sayin. in cartoons how there's always a devil on the left shoulder and an angel on the right. the ego is the self, the angel is the super ego and the devil is the id. so left implies the literal definition as in, abandoned- a passive tense - further exemplifying the helpless nature of one's self-destruction (depression) and the evil nature of it. When one only has oneself to blame...

hm I need to go read. Cat's Cradle is really good so far I want to finish it

what it is

2008-07-09T18:53:17Z

This is my first public post in a while and I think it's kind of therapeutic to get it out there. Well I'm quitting my job soon I suppose I'll put in my two weeks in a few days, but that's nothing really surprising. It was just a summer job to earn some money for college and although I haven't made that much, it's been an experience!
people frame the weirdest stuff...working in a frame store has been crazy.

hm, the last couple days I've been feeling kind of restless but I've been reading, taking pictures, running so I hope to kind of curb that stagnant sense I've been prone to having lately.

I also went down to Little Five Points in Atlanta & that has been amazing. I forget that I live in a suburban bubble sometimes and getting away from it is like a breath of fresh air. Different people, different lives, different is beautiful.

love
chels

hm.

2008-07-07T01:03:16Z

I recently visited my old summer camp. it made me so emotional being back there; i missed it so much. it's one of those things that i have to let go though. realistically.

I'm kind of anxious about everything lately. I don't really know why but maybe it's because I've stopped running. I can't sleep for anything and my thoughts are so fragmented.
maybe it's because i've been working so much...
anything is kind of speculation. I'm sure it's evident in my writing but I can't get myself together. i don't really want to send myself into an episode or anything but i've got to get a lot of things figured out in my life.
more later.